4Networking Abingdon decide to celebrate Burns Night a couple of days early today, and encouraged everyone to come wearing tartan and to write a poetic 40 second introduction. Everyone embraced the idea and though most people didn’t go as far as group leader Phil Strachan in the tartan department there were plenty of tartan ties, tartan scarves, homemade tartan badges and also, rather bizarrely, a pair of boy’s tartan pyjama bottoms!

However, it was in the 40 seconds round that everyone really excelled. There were some fantastic poems and it was very entertaining – but better still, everyone actually listened rather than switching off! What a very creative bunch of people 4Networkers are. Here are a few of the poems we enjoyed.

If you struggle with words,
Don’t know pronouns from verbs,
Then you need to call The Proof Fairy.

I’ll pick up your errors
and badly spelled terrors
and grammar that makes clients wary.

Perhaps it’s your website
That looks like a right sight
I’ll rewrite it, fully or barely.

With a wave of my wand
Your typos are gone
And the bill isn’t even too scary.

So just pick up the phone
When words make you groan.
You know who you need … The Proof Fairy!

Alison Neale, The Proof Fairy

—

If it’s lots of new clients you’re after,
Or more from the clients you’ve got
I’ve a systemised process to help you succeed
Whether you’ve done lots of marketing or not

Our focus is low-cost and no-cost…
… PROVEN strategies we know that work
In a systemised process that gets great results
That can have prospects going berserk

So if you want to make marketing simple…
AUTO-MATE it – is what I suggest
It’s what I do with my clients because
I found out it’s what works the best

If you’d like to find out some more info
On marketing, message – and how
Then get out your cards with a 1, 2 or 3
And let’s book a meeting right now…

Jez Hunt, MetaMorph

—

Ode to the VA
A VA is the kind of girl
Who knows how to provide
The kind of help an office needs
So use us – don’t just hide.

We love our multi tasking
Of those lists of jobs to do
Be it chasing up your invoices
We work magic on the VDU.

A VA helps you concentrate
On the business you do best.
Just leave the other duties –
Your VA can do the rest.

So if admin is your bain in life
We have a trick or two
To help you with those urgent tasks –
We are always there for you.

Sarah King, Virtual-PA-Solutions

—

Adelaide, Brisbane, Chester le Street,
Durban, Ealing, or indeed Fleet.
Ghana, Hobart, Idaho,
Jo’burg, Kingston, Llandudno.
Manchester,
Newcastle (that’s where I call home),
Ohio, Perth, Quebec or Rome.
Sydney, Toronto, Udon Thani,
Vancouver, Wellington, Xanten (that’s how it’s pronounced)
In Germany!
Yemen and Zurich complete A to Z
Of places I can move your bed.
So if you are moving don’t be bashful,
Call Dave at Robinsons International.

David McGarry, Robinsons International

—

Morning, I’m Mark from Seven Design.
When I heard that today we had to write a rhyme
I put pen to paper to give it a try
Then decided maybe I’m better off wearing this [lovely tartan] tie.

However please don’t feel too sad:
I did write a poem which isn’t too bad.
So sit back, relax and enjoy your tea
And listen carefully because my poem is just “wee”.

Seven Design are graphic designers.
We handle big jobs and some that are minor.
A brochure, a website, a logo, a banner.
We handle each task in a professional manner.

So if your business is in need of a kick,
Or maybe a revamp to make it look slick,
Just send us an email, a text or a call.
We provide a quality service for one and for all.

Mark Baker, Seven Design

—

You may not find this too comical
For it’s in the style of William McGonagall …

So is your computer in its knees?
Is it heading for the trees?

Now if a computer you want to fix
Then you need to know which bits to kick.

So if you see a bang
Or hear a clang

Don’t just sit and face the wall,
You get on the phone and call

The GP for your PC
Coz that’s me.

John Batch, The Flying Doctor

—

We love simple stylish web design.
We listen to you, do the design in line
With your business goals … and we deliver on time.
How’s that for classy web design!

Once we’ve listened and got the hang of your style
We sit down, design, then give you a dial.
We wait while your face transforms with a smile,
You see, we always go that extra mile.

So whether it’s a blog about a frog or a site about a kite,
Stop dilly dallying and saying you might,
Stop procrastinating, do what you know is right!
Come and talk to Hexagon and get a top class site.

Sarah Hills, Hexagon Webworks

—

Taking your troubles away
If your finances need sorting and you’re in a muddle
Let’s get together and I’ll help sort out your trouble.
If protection and pensions are causing confusion
Let me explain the options and end your disillusion.
If the choices of mortgages leave you stone cold
I’ll find the best deal before you get too old.
Which savings or investments will suit you the best?
I’ll select the best one so you can forget the rest.
Financial planning is something I thoroughly enjoy
So you don’t have to deal with bank managers who annoy.
Whatever your concerns and worries may be
Call Hopwood Ash and it’s me that you’ll see.
And that’s by Teresa Slater
Aged ….. never you mind!

Teresa Slater, Hopwood Ash

—

A brand is much more than a name.
Without a brand we’re all the same
It’s all about identity
And who and what you want to be.

You all need help – I’m sure you know
That I can help your business grow.
I’ll take your brand from here – to there
With passion and creative flair.

I’ll help your business to take off;
I really mean it – please don’t scoff.
No longer will your sales be flat,
The Flying Doctor’s proof of that.

So don’t be a nonentity,
You need a strong identity.
You really need some good design
To benefit your bottom line.

The good news is that help’s at hand
To build a strong and vibrant brand.
I’ll tell you what the whole room thinks –
Your brands is crap – your logo stinks.

If being successful is your plan
Then call for me cos I’m your man.
“Get off your arse” as Brad might say
And brief me now – without delay!

Phil Strachan, Strangebrew

—

Two poems penned by Simon Wallace-Jones of Oxford Digital Marketing, one for himself and one for a visitor!

Oh Diem, Oh Diem far and wide do you travel,
O’er hill and glen to spread thy word,
Of ways where man can prosper better
From his presence o’er the web.

Teaching them to tame the great engines of search,
Or how their social messages can fly, and build a reputation strong.
And how, with vid-eo they can, reach out and touch the hearts of man, and prosper from his custom.

Led by the clan of Wallace-Jones whose ancestors ne’er wore tartan.
But rather from the land of leaks and dragons hailed.
Here now settled where men ford their oxen
To teach mysterious ways of web and commerce.

Join me fair folk this coming week,
To learn of keywords and their might.
And how they can, if wielded well,
Help your business prosper.

Simon Wallace Jones, ODM (Oxford Digital Marketing)

—

Oxford Knowledge, Oxford Knowledge,
Fair is your honest happy face, great captain of the computer race.
Above them all you take your place, Micro, soft and Cisco.
Well are you worthy of a grace, as long as my arm.

But soft, I hear you ask
“How can this company of knowledgeable men help me?”
‘Tis simple.  We plan, we build we service the great networks of thy enterprise.
Our aim is to ensure that not a moment goes by
When your machines fail to support,
You mission of such great import.

So speak to me, Mark Salisbury
If thou knowest of company
Who needs support and wants to grow
Their servers, networks; I want to know.

Mark Salisbury, Oxford Knowledge Company

—

Brad Burton kindly sent a poetic contribution too (© Jan Jack 2010!!)

Get Off Your Arse
I’m the man who needs no introduction,
I’m the man who makes networking pay.
My knowledge is vast so buy Get Off Your Arse –
You can purchase a copy today.

And to finish, a proper Scottish poem in honour of Rabbie Burns … by Phil Strachan AKA The Barred (from all respectable hostelries in Bucks, Beds, Berks, Oxon and Wilts)

Owed tae the single laddies – a few timely words o’ warnin’!

Once I had a carefree life
But then I wed ‘n’ took a wife
I once wis manly, strong ‘n’ bold
But now I jist dae whit I’m told

I thought I’d mak masel a winner
And tak a wife tae mak ma dinner
A buxom lassie heaven knows
A woman just tae wash ma clothes

But noo I’m really at a loss
Tae work oot how come she’s the boss
It’s “move your arse ye lazy slob
And git oot there an’ git a job”.

So if ye ever tak a wife
Jist be assured she’ll rule yer life
Don’t look tae her tae salve yer lust
Ye’r only there tae earn a crust

Just use yer heid, employ yer brain
Avoid yersel’ some needless pain
If ye dinnae want forever harried
Jist stay single – don’t get married

So watch oot fer those pretty girlies
Who’ll grab ye by yer short ‘n’ curlies
And should ye hear a weddin’ bell
Git on yer feet ‘n’ run like hell!

The moral of this story’s clear
If ye dinnae want tae live in fear
If ye should see a lassie smile
Tak my advice – and run a mile!